Enfer, Paradis, Purgatoire… allez conter à d’autres vos histoires!
A la fois fascinant, fantasque et truculent, tel fut le monde qui m’accueillit l’espace d’une nuit.
Je ne sais quelles en furent les raisons; Arès vint me chercher, Era me ramena; je partis de mon lit et je m’y réveillai, le souvenir intact comme si l’on eût voulu, au terme du voyage, me glisser un message. Pourquoi donc à mon âge et de ma condition; inutile question.
Mes tempes battaient fort. J’avais pour l’occasion forcé sur le nectar, dont l’alcool coulait tiède dans du miel de Tolède et j’avais le cafard des âmes hébétées. Avais-je voyagé, réellement ? Voici que le doute s’installait à présent.
Pourtant, les plateaux d’ambroisie suspendus sous les treilles, dont les ceps émergeaient de la salsepareille ondulaient dans l’air parfumé du soir et les feuilles de vigne parlaient de l’une à l’autre.
Des filles étaient nues, vêtues d’un rien ou bien de peaux de bêtes et tous semblaient heureux que je sois de la fête.
Un vol de colombes, un aigle, une chouette, un cheval, une biche ; un trident, une harpe, un carquois, un casque et des sandales ailées, une masse, la foudre, de la roche de mal, de la poudre de bien ; mille autres choses simples ; j’avais été convié au sommet de l’Olympe.
Transfert des plus cornéliens, nous étions quelques rares mortels, poètes, ménestrels à assister au banquet que donnaient en notre honneur les douze olympiens.
Les filles dénudées étaient donc des servantes. Elles proposaient les mets au gré de l’assistance ; jeunes, embijoutées, affriolantes ; quelques mises en bouche des plus classiques, du nectar en carafes et des toasts d’ambroisie ornés d’une pique ou plutôt d’un trident en plastique dont chacun se plaisait à féliciter Poséidon, dieu de la mer, pour son humour excellentissime, original et châtié.
Entre deux buis grimpants, dans le fond du jardin, sur le trône, enfin sur son trône, Zeus, dieu du ciel et maître des dieux, l’air absolument ravi, comme ce santon au regard hagard que l’on pose à Noël sur le toit de la crèche, semblait avoir perdu la raison, quand soudain, jouant avec la foudre comme un vieux grenadier faisant parler la poudre, illumina les cieux d’une multitude d’éclairs fluorescents ; ce qui fût extraordinaire ! Certes, Zeus gatouillait déjà. L’aigle qui sautillait à ses pieds, au plumage reluisant, à l’air niais, semblait également prendre son pied.
Era, femme de Zeus, déesse du mariage et de la jalousie lui parla d’un patois que le bougre compris sans dessein, ce qui mit fin à ses pitreries ; si l’orage grondait, à travers la mégère il finit d’éclater.
Alors, Hadès, dieu du monde souterrain, des enfers, fit tourner les platines. Au son de ses béguines, les servantes dénudées firent hoqueter leur nombril, par-là même sautiller nos sourcils ; la soirée se dessinait sous de plaisants profils. Sur le coup des trois plombes, Hadès, faisant couiner ses vinyles de musique d’outre-tombe acheva de mettre le feu et nous fumâmes pour le coup quelques herbes du Lavandou mêlées à de la pâte de coing d’Epidaure ; pétard des plus classiques, que l’âpreté du coing améliore.
Sur la pelouse, au pied des projecteurs, Héphaistos, dieu des forgerons, caressait sa femme, Aphrodite, déesse de l’amour, d’une douce façon. Aphrodite dévêtue n’eut cure de l’assistance et préféra battre le fer tant qu’il est chaud…no comment.
Quant au bon Arès, dieu de la guerre, il cherchait, un coup dans l’aile, querelle à d’autres «empégués» notoires, braves larrons en foire, tandis que les étoiles blanches montaient drues dans l’obscurité revenue.
Athéna, présidant d’ordinaire aux destinées de la guerre, offrait prestement ses charmes, ses envies et sa bonté à quelques braves qui du reste acceptaient volontiers. Ainsi casquée et cuirassée comme aux jours de parade, martinet au passant, ni pour la croix d’honneur, ni tout autre médaille, l’amour ne me dit rien qui vaille !
Allongé sur des bordées de jeunes roses trémières, son arc en bandoulière, Sieur Phoebos Apollon, dieu du soleil et de la poésie, composait, lyre en mains, quatre rimes pour sa sœur, Artémis. Déesse de la lune et de la chasse, d’ailleurs couronnée d’un diadème surmonté d’une lune, la pauvre Artémis buvait de ses yeux de bécasse, comme du petit lait les quatrains de frérot ; Dieu que c’était beau ! Les autres eurent tôt fait de bâillonner Apollon et de le ligoter, arc, lyre et capuchon aux branches d’un figuier. La biche d’Artémis finit à l’hémistiche de manger son maïs, puis l’on mangeat la biche à la fin du quatrain et l’on fit un tennis entre les tamaris.
Quelqu’un sonna, Héra ouvrit. Entrèrent, bras dessus, bras dessous deux énergumènes soufflant à tue-tête dans des langues de belles-mères, l’un portant un chapeau et des sandales ailées, tenant un bâton entrelacé de deux serpents, l’autre attifé d’une peau de panthère et coiffé de feuilles de vignes. Le premier était Hermes, dieu des commerçants, des médecins et des voleurs, ce qui me parait être à peu près la même chose, l’autre, Dionysos, dieu de la vigne et du vin. Tous deux arrivaient d’une dégustation en cave particulière du côté de Corinthe ; cave que Dionysos avait officiellement inauguré l’après-midi même ; fonction divine oblige !
Bref, les plateaux d’ambroisie terminés et jetés aux quatre coins du jardin, les filles dénudées aux soins des miséreux, l’alcool qui coulait tiède dans du miel de Tolède ; l’orgie était totale. J’avais ma foi noué de nouvelles amitiés, tutoyé quelques-unes des servantes zélées et commençais enfin à me sentir chez moi, lorsque précisément, le terme est adéquat, c’est au fond de mon lit que je me réveillai ; mille regrets !
La fête fut grandiose sous la voûte des cieux !
Certes, l’homme est bien peu de choses… mais le dieu ne vaut mieux !
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