Ce dimanche-là, jour de marché aux puces, au travers de vieux recueils poussiéreux je cherchais quelques poésies, qui, par le chatoiement de leurs coulées métaphoriques et la subtilité de leurs résonances traitent de «l‘amour» et «du mal du pays» d’une manière divine. Une imagerie exceptionnelle, de spectaculaires sentiers célestes dont seuls Nahapet Koutchak et Sayat Nova détenaient le secret ! Des écrits datant d’ères poétiques où le premier aurait pu connaître Ronsard et dont le second nous a quitté bien des saisons avant qu’Abd al Malik, Grand Corps Malade et Stromae ne viennent au monde !
Ayant du mal à trouver ce genre de vieilleries du côté de la plaine toulousaine (qui propose un florilège d’œuvres plutôt dans le vent… et le vent d’Autan de préférence), un ami, surfer, ni à Biarritz ni à Hawaï, juste sur le Net, dans sa salle à manger des hauteurs de la «Côte pavée», me donna le nom d’un site internet spécialisé dans les raretés. Je devais donc y trouver mon bonheur, puisque, m’assura-t-il, ce site regorgeait de trésors.
J’avais eu le plaisir de retrouver cet ami parmi les parasols bigarrés des forains, les camelots, les chineurs, les curieux, les churros appétissants, les mangeurs de sandwichs, les gens pressés et les effluves de vin chaud à la cannelle.
Lorsque la course aux obligations me laisse un peu de répit je cours les marchés ; tous les marchés !
J’aime sillonner les allées du marché couvert entre les alignements de volailles, le chant romantique des poissonnières à l’étal, les bataillons de fromages disparates, ces loges où se côtoient de croustillantes miches de pain et des serpents de saucisse enroulés à des balançoires de bambous, où je salive en marchant, où mon esprit s’égare autant dans l’écho des gouailleries que dans les arômes de la bonne chère ! J’aime également écouter les sifflements exotiques du vent sous les platanes de l’avenue lorsqu’il vient lécher les mangues de Birmanie, les ananas du Mexique et les cachimans cœur de bœuf des Antilles, comme, lorsque coiffé de son béret languedocien traditionnel, il fait voleter sous les toiles tendues des maraîchers les accents aux couleurs chatoyantes d’une Occitanie en pleine ébullition ! J’aime aussi contempler, les jours de marchés bios, le lent déplacement de ces doux intellectuels aux pantalons de velours côtelé, aux godillots, aux ponchos rayés et à l’esprit couvert d’un bonnet péruvien qui ne se déplacent qu’à vélo et qui chinent quelques ouvrages sur les énergies éoliennes, les effets néfastes des semences transgéniques, les dessous des centrales nucléaires et repartent avec un CD des musiques du monde ; ma ville est un fabuleux trésor !
J’avais donc eu le plaisir de retrouver cet ami parmi les parasols bigarrés des forains, les camelots, les chineurs, les curieux, les churros appétissants, les mangeurs de sandwichs, les gens pressés, les effluves de vin chaud à la cannelle, et nous avions décidé de nous assoir quelques minutes à la terrasse d’un café.
Nous étions au mois de février, et, bien que le temps fut frisquet, sous les chauffages électriques pendus aux colonnes vertébrales des parasols de terrasse, chez nous juillet durait encore… ce qui nous fit plutôt pencher vers la bière que vers le café !
Nous discutâmes de choses et d’autres comme le font entre elles les femmes de bureau, les bourgeoises au thé, les pies devant un bout d’aluminium au soleil ou les croque-morts après l’office, et bien entendu les Bavards d’Offenbach. Nous avons donc parlé de ce fameux site « trouve tout » où la poésie, souvent, côtoie le dernier gadget à la mode. S’il est vrai qu’il faut vivre avec son temps, adhérer aux valeurs en cours et boire les vérités du moment plutôt que d’être en proie à la bile noire, à toutes ces incursions à la mode sur le Net je préfère chiner quelques vieux ouvrages au grand air sous les interpellations des Roger-Bontemps et des bonimenteurs de foire. Une activité qui me paraît plus saine et beaucoup plus agréable !
Je rentrais et activais cependant le mulot, empreint d’une grande curiosité. Le temps, ma foi, étant plutôt maussade, le chauffage ronronnant dans mon dos et n’ayant rien prévu de particulier, détendu, je priais le dieu Ordinateur d’ensoleiller mon après-midi.
Sitôt mon dernier clic la page s’ouvrit sous une musique envoûtante. Les trésors ne me sautèrent aux yeux illico, car «la philosophie de la Maison», les «conditions de vente», «ajouter au panier» et «les moyens de paiement autorisés» prenaient les trois-quarts de l’écran. Une icône me proposait une rubrique «Littérature», une seconde «Objets Divers» et une troisième «Porte-Bonheur» ; les trois ayant probablement un lien que je ne savais déceler pour l’instant. Et naturellement je commençais par ouvrir l’icône «Littérature» où je pensais trouver mes fameux poèmes de Nahapet Koutchak et Sayat Nova.
Pas de recueil de poésie en stock actuellement, mais deux ouvrages dont la critique me semblait aiguisée. Mon esprit l’étant tout autant je laissais donc jouer la souris sur son tapis de mousse compensée et je zieutais l’écran comme un enfant zieute son arbre de Noël décoré.
Le premier ouvrage que je découvrais était une tabelle de mots peu usités, vous en conviendrez, dans notre vie quotidienne ; quel régal !
J’y appris que si par le plus grand des hasards vous étiez pris d’amok (folie meurtrière), vous prendriez alors une cuillère d’aisy (ferment utilisé lors de la fabrication du Gruyère), dilué dans un fond de verre d’arak (eau de vie), ainsi qu’une petite cuillère d’huile de cajeput (myrtacée), et vous n’auriez plus qu’à vous allonger sur un lit de chanci (fumier pour champignons), ôter votre éphod (pièce de vêtement chez les hébreux), ou votre bliaud (tunique), ou votre carrick (redingote), vous couvrir d’un épais prélart (bâche), ou d’un taud (tente de toile), et sous les vivats de la société attendre votre prompte guérison !
J’appris aussi que s’il est difficile à un axolotl (petit amphibien), de boire du sou-chong (thé noir de Chine), ou croquer un peyotl (cactacée du Mexique), il peut néanmoins, dans un bayou (bras marécageux du Mississipi), se cacher sous les panicauts (plante épineuse) et ainsi se protéger d’un margay (chat sauvage) de passage !
S’il est bien connu que le solognot (de la Sologne), ne porte que rarement le keffieh (coiffure des Bédouins), n’est que peu enclin à se nourrir de bortsch (potage russe), ne fait glisser sa barque sur le nasitort (cresson) à l’aide de rames en bort (diamant), et ne rencontre guère de dugongs (mammifère marin) dans ses canaux, nous savons indiscutablement qu’il emporte souvent au creux de son paniers un cantaloup (melon) à point, un falerne (vin de Campanie) rosé, ou un mercurey (vin rouge de Bourgogne) pour les plus chauvins, un paquet de marshmallow (guimauve) et trouve après son repas le sommeil des justes dans l’ombre fraîche des élégants marsaults (saules) centenaires.
Malheureusement écrite en un dialecte cockney (londonien), il me fut bien difficile, mais cependant très instructif, d’essayer de déchiffrer la technique du batik (procédé de décoration). Ce fut évidemment plus agréable si je dus la traduire du nahuatl (langue de la littérature aztèque) ! Je ne sais si le presspahn (matériau isolant) faisait partie de la technique, mais je sais par contre que l’on utilise des matras (récipient en chimie), du jumel (coton) et que l’on peut également se servir d’un samit (tissu) et d’un surah (étoffe) épais.
J’y appris aussi qu’un dey (chef du gouvernement à Alger) aurait attrapé la gale du levant en se faisant piquer par un cynips (insecte hyménoptère), après avoir glissé sur un galuchat (peau de raie), dans un gord (pêcherie). Un poussah (homme adipeux) lui aurait fait boire une tisane de moly (plante magique préservant Ulysse des enchantements de Circé), tandis qu’un rémiz (passereau) chantait sur la poupe d’une dahabieh (barque égyptienne). Ensuite, le dey aurait dit un kaddish (prière juive) et aurait observé un kief (repos total des orientaux au milieu du jour) salutaire.
Et j’y appris, pour finir, que les frères carmes déchaux (déchaussés), appartenant à la catégorie des ordres mendiants et les sœurs carmélites déchaussées mangeraient du paddy (riz non décortiqué) et se serviraient encore de l’écang (instrument utilisé pour broyer le chanvre ou le lin), tandis que des molochs (lézards épineux) se nourriraient des termites de la charpente. Certaines nones écriraient des oaristys (poèmes bucoliques et tendres) tandis que d’autres joueraient du rebab et du rebec (instruments de musique). On dit que des statuettes en rohart (ivoire provenant des dents de l’hippopotame) trôneraient sur les bahuts du monastère et que toutes leurs chambres seraient décorées de gigantesques bouquets de tagètes (plantes à fleurs odorantes)!
Comprenant ici que je n’avais pas perdu l’après-midi et que le Web est une source miraculeuse d’informations, je cliquais maintenant sur le second ouvrage présenté. Celui-ci semblait être un condensé des Poèmes Erotiques d’Apollinaire et de ceux de Verlaine réunis, mais peut-être, plus précisément, un ménologe, tant il s’agissait d’une sainte philosophie ! Une explication de texte digne des plus grands érudits de la chose, et des photos explicatives pour qui la mémoire visuelle demeure la plus active. Pour ne pas heurter la sensibilité des plus jeunes, je ne vous livrerai donc que quelques bribes de l’ouvrage, quelques définitions que vous ignorez peut-être, comme je les ignorais aussi auparavant.
Parmi ces vocables poétiques, dont je vous incite à rechercher promptement les définitions, se trouvaient la «gynotikolobomassophilie», nom ô combien barbare ne résidant qu’au simple fait de mordiller le lobe de sa (ou son) partenaire… et à l’opposé «l’anulingus», plus joliment appelé «feuille de rose».
Au fil des pages j’y ai croisé «l’harpaxophilie», dont l’excitation sexuelle est provoquée par l’idée d’un vol, et le «kokigami», un jeu venu tout droit du japon avec les mangas et les sushis. En parlant de sushis et de sashimis, j’ai également fait l’affriande découverte de la pratique du «nyotaimori» ; réservé aux gourmands !
«L’axilisme» occupait le chapitre suivant, et la «dendrophilie» présentait encore un peu plus loin les vertus des espaces verts.
«L’exobiophilie» apportait heureusement son lot d’humour vers la moitié du bouquin, et dans la dernière partie, la «phalacrophilie» évinçait les poilus de l’ouvrage.
Ce livre de médecine appliquée se terminait par une petite explication du désir de «kruppafigiphilie», après quoi, d’un clic éperonné je refermais le quatrième de couverture.
Si je puis dire que la rubrique «littérature» était assez maigre, elle n’en restait pas moins hétéroclite !
Que risquais-je à présent après ce repas intellectuel ; pourquoi ne pas cliquer sur l’icône « porte-bonheur » ? Après tout je verrais bien !
Là, une « noix de banda », qui empêche de se rompre les os en cas de chute et permet de faire d’heureuses rencontres au bal du vendredi me tendait les bras… je la mis dans mon panier virtuel.
La rose de Jéricho, qui assure la nourriture et la protection du foyer, me tenta aussi ; je l’ajoutais au panier. A y être, je prenais aussi un flacon d’huile «rose de Jéricho» qui attire l’amour, amplifie les pulsions sexuelles et amène des finances non négligeables !
Quand je vis la patte de lapin mon sang ne fit qu’un tour ! Savez-vous qu’elle assure la protection contre les sorcières et est en plus un formidable gris-gris ? Je l’ajoutais en vitesse au panier.
Le médaillon coccinelle, « la bête du bon dieu », qui éloigne les mauvaises énergies et favorise l’épanouissement et la croissance positive était aussi alléchant ! Je l’ajoutais au panier.
Quant au médaillon muguet porte-bonheur, muguet, qui signifie en langage des fleurs «le retour du printemps», je l’ajoutais au panier illico !
Bien évidemment, j’ajoutais aussi le pentagramme magnétique. Le pentagramme symbolise la puissance divine en l’homme ! Puisque la tradition affirme que le Roi Salomon reçut ce pentagramme des mains de l’Archange Michael, il n’y avait pas à hésiter une seconde !
J’ajoutais aussi au panier une statuette remplie d’eau de Lourdes, et puis un « balai des fées ». Si ce balai permet de chasser toutes les influences négatives dans le ménage, en le frottant sur son corps il attire aussi le succès dans les affaires ; voilà un outil indispensable !
Ce site, ô combien salutaire, me proposait aussi un Bouddha «homme heureux», en terre cuite. Sachant que lui aussi apporte la chance et la prospérité, comment résister ? Je l’ajoutais au panier.
Partant du principe que dix protections valent mieux que neuf, sans réfléchir j’ajoutais encore au panier une famille de scarabées. Le scarabée est considéré comme le dieu de l’amour, de la vie et de la création. Peut-être m’aidera-t-il à être meilleur dans mes prochaines créations poétiques !
N‘étant jamais assez prudent, je complétais mon panier par une splendide «Pierre du Nord», qui permet, entre autre, d’accroître l’intelligence, d’accomplir des vœux et de préserver des mauvais esprits, et d’un arbre Feng Shui qui permet d’obtenir une bonne circulation du «chi». Savez-vous ce qu’est le «chi» ?
Le Cercle Magique d’Amour ne me tentait guère car il aide ceux qui recherchent l’âme sœur, et de ce côté-là les cieux m’ont doté d’une perle exceptionnelle !
Par contre, c’est avec grand plaisir que j’ajoutais au panier un magnifique fer à cheval ! Dès la réception de ma commande je le fixerai en haut de la porte d’entrée, les branches tournées vers le haut à l’aide de quelques clous, sans passer par les trous ayant servi pour le fixer au sabot du cheval ; ainsi est la procédure !
Bien, je ne me suis laisser tenter par le trèfle à quatre feuilles car mon jardin en regorge, ni par l’aimant de la chance, par l’éléphant, la tête de tigre, l’agate roulée, le médaillon Cupidon, ni par tous ces élixirs proposés, ni par le cristal de roche, la tortue, le générateur de fortune et la fiole magique car mon panier commençait à peser… financièrement.
Cela faisait maintenant deux heures que je surfais allègrement sur les vagues de mon écran quinze pouces. Comme cette activité est chronophage ! Il me restait encore une icône à ouvrir, une dernière page à visiter, celle des «Objets Divers». Le temps étant toujours maussade et rien d’urgent ne s’étant déclenché, je cliquais.
Je fus effaré de voir ce que l’on pouvait acheter sur le Net. Effaré surtout à l’idée de penser que si tous ces objets-là sont en vente, et en gros, c’est qu’il y avait forcément des acheteurs ! Je ne fis aucun achat car rien ne me convenait vraiment. Non que la marchandise ne me paraisse d’excellente qualité, mais étant en ménage depuis pas mal de temps, je n’avais guère besoin…
d’une brosse de WC pistolet, d’une coque pastèque pour IPhone, d’une house d’ordinateur tête de taureau, de rouleaux de papier toilette sudoku, d’une house de table à repasser croco, de couverts manche Lego, d’un dessous de plat Karl Marx, d’un miroir essuie-glace, d’une étagère invisible, d’un vase vagin, d’un parapluie grenouille, d’un bouchon de bouteille tétine, d’un porte manteau pince à linge, d’un téléphone hamburger, d’une cloche coquine, d’un coussin sardine ou d’un coussin péteur, d’un tabouret lingot d’or, d’un lustre bouteille, d’un paillasson Belzebuth, d’un porte cure dent poupée vaudou, d’un plateau de service curé de Camaret, de chaussons balai, de chaussures parapluie, d’une loupe allume cigarette, d’un bâton de beurre, d’un portefeuille cravate, d’une paire de lunettes entonnoir pour mettre des gouttes dans les yeux, d’un téléphone haltère, d’un pochoir pour rouge à lèvres, d’un oreiller casque ou d’un oreiller cuisse, d’un biberon mammaire, d’un passage piéton transportable, d’un tee-shirt à grille pour savoir où gratter le dos, ou de sandales à phare pour se déplacer aisément la nuit !
Vous comprenez bien qu’il me faut mettre un terme à cette énumération, car la liste d’objets insolites proposés par cette entreprise était infinie !
La lumière du jour commençait à baisser lorsque je décidais enfin d’éteindre mon ordinateur. De clics en clics, ce site m’avait amené vers d’autres pages, toujours plus intéressantes les unes que les autres, toujours plus fournies en explications et en rebondissements !
Ah, quel univers ; que le Net est féérique !
Sur la place de la mairie, les balayeuses avaient succédé aux étals des camelots, la grisaille de cette fin de journée avait fini par évincer les couleurs vives des parapluies forains, et les effluves de vin chaud à la cannelle n’étaient plus que souvenir.
Je retrouverais bientôt les rires, les accolades et toutes les saveurs traditionnelles de mon pays entre les allées du marché couvert, le marché aux légumes, sous les platanes de l’avenue, le marché aux puces et le marché bio. Je laisserai alors mon écran quinze pouces en paix pour écouter le chant romantique des poissonnières à l’étal, le sifflement exotique du vent qui viendra lécher les mangues, les ananas et les cachimans, et qui, coiffé de son béret languedocien traditionnel, fera voleter sous les toiles tendues des maraîchers les accents aux couleurs chatoyantes d’une Occitanie en pleine ébullition !
Ce jour-là le soleil rayonnera ;
adieu !
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